Written Thoughts · August 29, 2020

Chasing the chemical fear

There are two types of fear.. A quiet one, which is not really a chemical, but an abstract idea, a fear of the unknown, a what-if, kinda fear, that gets people stuck in the same pattern over and over again and kills their curiosity or urge to experience anything new, not living, just existing on life support.. Then there’s the second type of fear, an intense, life or death situation kinda fear, a chemical fear, that comes from the same place as ecstasy… I enjoy that fear, no, not only enjoy it, I actually seek it out.. And pushing through it opens up new areas in my mind that I didn’t know existed, this is a fear that encourages growth and evolution..

Courage isn’t about being “fearless”, but about feeling that fear and letting it take over you and pushing through it..

Strength isn’t about not feeling pain, but about allowing yourself to fully experience that pain, understanding it, and making it become part of you..

I thought I was weird because I’m always chasing that high, of fear, of the unknown, pushing through the limits of it, taking it further.. But I realize now, it’s just instinct.. This is programmed into all of us, self destruction is your instincts urging you to step into the danger zone to push you into starting over again because nothing should ever stand still.. Self-destruction can be done gradually over time (like smoking), until you reach that last straw and have to do something about it, or it can be a grand gesture that fucks everything up, life is all about self-destruction and rebuilding, but I’ll get to that later, I’ll write a whole thing about self-destruction later because there’s a lot to talk about on that matter..

Anyway.. everyone is chasing a high of some sort, it’s a natural instinct.. But it’s all about what kind of high are you chasing? Is it the one that gets you moving or the one that makes you stand still? And are you avoiding fear and pain or embracing them?